Honesty and Vocabulary

September 25, 2008

My vocabulary is gravely limited. Shit, Piss, Cunt, Fuck. These are some of my favourite words to spice up any piece. No wonder my work tastes like a whore’s vomit.

If writing were like music, having a wide vocabulary would be like having a full orchestra, or a tonne of effect pedals for your electric guitar, or a complete wankers’ drumset with toms and cymbals of various sizes at your disposal.

But it means fuck all without Honesty.

Honesty is rare these days and harder to find than a Woman that can settle for less. One honest sentence or phrase or word can mean more than a whole fucking novel of bullshit.

My words are getting cheaper by the minute. But they work hard at being cheap which is not as easy as you think. It’s a gift I have.

End of fucking story.

WANK Test

September 24, 2008

Have you heard of the WANK Test?

A friend told me about this silly way of finding out if you have feelings for a Woman.

First of all, who the fuck would try to find that out? Wouldn’t you just already know or find out in due time? But anyway, that’s an argument for another day.

So the WANK Test is what it’s called. Based on the “fact” that all men are sex starved (I know I am), the WANK Test should be able to tell you if you have something genuine for that girl you feel so good about.

Here’s how you do it…

Step 1: Masturbate.

Step 2: Go on a date.

Wow, that was easy…

Now if you got to fuck her, then that’s good for you. But…

a) If you go back with your dick in your hand and still feel like you had a good time, then you’re probably in love with something more than just her pussy.

b) If you go back with your dick in your hand and felt like fucking her the whole time during the dinner/movie/whatever, then she’s probably just another piece of meat to you.

What an awful fucking weak theory…

Here’s my feedback:

- Masturbating would only get my mind off sex for, like, 15 minutes. Then I’m ready to jerk off again.

- I feel like fucking all women all the time. Even if they have striking personalities.

- If the food and conversation were good, why can’t I treat it like an outing instead of a date? Unless, I paid for everything and was taken for a ride…

I guess this is a test to help men who have a hard time connecting with their feelings?

Maybe I’m wrong. But consider this: Real men eat meat and don’t question the laws and order of nature. Pussies eat vegetables and organic food and will die as pale virgins.

Whatever the fuck. I was wanking BEFORE you got here and I’ll be wanking AFTER you’re gone.

Now excuse me, while I look at some pictures of you.

The First Hit Is The Harshest…

September 16, 2008

The First Hit Is The Harshest

But you’ll feel better afterwards…

You’ll take another soon

Drink some water

Feed me

The first hit is the harshest

It’ll beat the life out of ya

You know I’m talking about bong hits, right?

Not beating crap out of people

Because people, men and women, deserve

To be treated

Like

The Dirt

They are

Make no doubt about it

Men and Women

People

They

Will knife you in the dark to get what you own.

Interview No. 4

September 15, 2008

The Interview went well. They offered him a position as a staff writer on the spot.

Sure, it didn’t pay as much as, say, a sales or an account servicing girl with a short skirt, but it was more than what the other mag had offered. And more than enough for him to survive. He did the maths. Enough money to support his alcohol addiction and rent.

He called his old friend and soon, a celebratory round of drinks followed at Finnegan’s.

“I told you, motherfucker!” said his friend. “Writers are always in demand!”

“English Writers, you mean. That’s because only 20% of this fucking country speaks the language fluently, and even less are capable of writing it decently,” he replied.

“Whatever! Take the fucking job! Go to the fucking parties! Get drunk on the FREE fucking beer!”

“Yeah. Thanks for advice.”

To the left of them, sat a table of four salesmen, or salesguys, as they were not over 30. He ease-dropped on them when his friend went to piss. They were speaking in Cantonese but would occasionally mutter an English word or two like, “commission” or “target” or “incentive” or “claims” or “big client” or “big boss” or “bastard” or “BMW”.

They thought they were the Shit. They thought they were the Kings of the World. But little did they know, they would probably be unhappy for the rest of their miserable, minute lives.

He had 2 days to give an answer…

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September 1, 2008

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